"Learning to Love": A story of hope for children with attachment disorders

This month (April 2008) in Reader's Digest, Vince Beiser tells the story of the Solomon family, who adopted seven-year-old Daniel from an orphanage in Romania -- and months later found themselves parenting an angry, violent, and broken little boy. It took him some time to discover what he had been missing in the institution ... what it meant to have a family, and parents who loved him. And when that realization hit him, he lashed out at Heidi Solomon, the woman who had adopted him. She had not given birth to him, had not abandoned him -- but she was the most convenient target, and it was up to her to help him heal.

Two groups of children are most frequently affected by attachment disorder: Those with a history of physical abuse and neglect (especially prevalent in foster children), and institutionalized children (particularly the thousands adopted from "warehouse-style Eastern European orphanages").

What this article brought out -- and what we are now discovering for ourselves -- is that sometimes the symptoms of attachment disorder do not surface for months or even years after the fact. Furthermore, the therapies used to treat attachment disorder may require an extraordinary level of courage and commitment on the part of the parents (for three months Heidi Solomon kept Daniel within arm's reach -- no more than 3 feet away, day and night). Amazingly, part of the healing involved their adopting a second child, A.J.

Is your child showing any of these signs of attachment disorder?

* (Infant) Doesn't cry when hungry or in need of change.

* (Infant) Seems irritated by prolonged physical contact.

* (Child 3+) Inability to make or sustain eye contact.

* Lack of "natural" desire to please parent.

* "Fingerpaints" with fecal matter (older children past toilet training age)

* Exaggerated fear of separation from parent (panics).

* Prolonged periods of sleep disruption (sleeps only a couple of hours at a time).

* Episodes of increased violence against property, animals or younger children.

Here are some sites that may help:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder

http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm

Be Not Afraid: A Prayer Request

This week the "Catholic Carnival" (#148) is hosted at Bryan Murdaugh's blog (thanks Bryan). If you have a moment, stop by and have a look! Here's the link.

Yesterday Sarah came down with her doll baby, holding her in the "feeding" position and kissing her tenderly. "Aren't I a good Mommy?" she asked me. I smiled and assured her that she would make a wonderful mother someday.

Then she casually walked over to the stash of paper grocery bags, pulled one down and opened it, then gently lowered her baby into it. "There! Now she's in the dead box." (Have I mentioned we attended my grandmother's funeral over Thanksgiving week?)

So perhaps it isn't all that surprising that Sarah refuses to let me out of her sight, even to go to church, without breaking down into a torrent of sobbing. She will not stay in her bed, and only reluctantly agreed to a spot on the floor.

I'm afraid I've scarred my daughter. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

In his new encyclical, the Holy Father writes about the hope that is the lifeblood of all Christians:

Heaven is not empty. Life is not a simple product of laws and randomness of matter, but within everything and at the same time above everything, there is a personal will, there is a Spirit who in Jesus has revealed himsef as Love .... The true shepherd is one who knows even the path that passes through the valley of death; one who walks with me even on the path of final solitude, where no one can accompany me, guiding me through: he himself has walked this path, he has descended into the kingdom of death, he has conquered death, and he has returned to accompany us now and to give us the certainty that, together with him, we can find a way through.

Spe Salvi (5-6)

I'm sure the preoccupation with death is temporary; Sarah knows all about heaven, and talks eagerly about going there so she can play with Missy again. And yet, there also seems to be an untapped well of fear and anger in Sarah that is just now beginning to break to the surface. These strong emotions are compounded by the fact that she isn't sleeping well because she keeps checking to be sure we're still there. If I wrap her up like a burrito and hold her on my lap, she'll nap ... but it doesn't last long.

My best guess is that it's an attachment issue, based on the books I've read. And so there will be some work ahead of us. Please say a prayer, if you think of it, that little Sarah will learn to "Be Not Afraid."